ok i got up this morning and was feeling ok about things and then i went to the doctors, though on the way there it was pouring it down with rain so i had a painc attack thats the weirdest time to have a panic attack what am i scared of the rain? But anyway when i got to the doctors everything went fine. I then had to go and see the CHMT, before going i was feeling really happy and stuff and hadnt self harmed in 2 weeks and then she says this to me. i should talk to a clinical psyhcotrist seen as theres a self harming group coming up and to talk about getting involved with it. But the thing is that if i cant share to one person then how can i possibly talk to a group of people. Im also going to see a doctor that specialises in psychiatric medicines to try and persaude me to take anti depressents and to tell them all my fears about taking them.

This saturday someone i havent seen in 4 years has invited me to go to their 21st i dont remember someone asked me to go somewhere with them, i would love to go but i feel like i cant, i asked someone quite close to me to keep me company they said that they could come but know they cant so i feel like i cant go on my own. I hate meeting new people, being in a crowd and not knowing where the exits are in this club they are going to. I wish i had more confidence to go and have some fun but i don't so i will sit at home watching saturday night tv. This sounds really stupid doesnt it.

I know that i need help and that im doing the right thing by going its just really annoying when i dont know what to do when i feel so low and that im at home, i mean theyve given me all these numbers to contact when i feel really low but the point is that i find it impossible to pick the phone up and talk to someone. Even if i did talk to samaritians or saneline all they could do is listen to me and not give me any advice on what to do. Ive got my counsellors out of hours number but i think that i would be wasting her time or that shes right and i need to take anti depressents. I should be able to work out what is wrong with me on my own without asking for help.

well i made it through my session today it went ok really no problems, I just wish i could open up a bit more easier to her as i think that if i say something to her she may judge me. I think she finds it hard to know what to talk to me about as i dont give much out which must be hard. One day i would like to share that ive got problems with accepting myself as im bi but ill come to that subject when i feel the right time is to tell her. Whenever i go in there i feel like falling asleep. The downside to today was that i couldnt stop crying maybe its because ive shared whats going on but it was hard to keep the tears away. Ive got another appointment booked for next friday so i shall see what will happen.

Ive got an appointment today with the specialists im going to see them as they dont have time this week to come out to my home and visit me, but after that i hope they will be able to come to my house as i feel more comfortable at home although that could be a challenge for me to keep on going to see them. In some ways i dont really see the point of going to see them as i feel great and i think that im wasting there time, but on the other hand i dont want to return to my old self when i was really depressed and couldnt be bothered so in the end i will go, im still not to sure how they are going to support me but i will find this out when i go. They said that they wil support me for at least 3 months and then review my progress then after that i will see.

I dont know if i can handle work. Everything i do goes wrong or if i open my mouth then i get into arguments with them. I may get my doctor to do a note to say that i cant work anymore just for a little while. As i doubt they will let me have any time off becuase i am their main person for doing all the overtime. I cant be bothered with life anymore.

I had a bad shift tonight, i want to talk but the words never come out of my mouth. So i had to suffer in silence. Sometimes i feel the pressure rising up in me so i go in the stock room for a minute or two to calm down but paul thinks that im skiving. So everytime he walk around the bar he would shout out where was i but the thing is that i never him say that about everyone else if they go missing, Everyone has a break aswell but i dont its not that he wont let me i guess he would but i find it easier if i just carry on without a break, So i told him that i thought that he only wondered where i go, rather then bothering about everyone and so in the end we had an argument i had to cool off by going into the outside. So i heard in the background him having ago at the others about that i think that they have to long outside the bar without working and that him not having ago at them. What did that achieve is he trying to make me look bad or something. It took me about 10 minutes to cool off then i just carried on with my work pretending that we didnt just have an argument. After the shift had finished he just said to me that he was sorry if it felt like he was picking on me and that he wasnt but he understood the way that what he said looked like he was. Hopefully if i have to work with him tomorrow things will be back to normal.

Paul the assistant boss, One thursday we were working together and at the end of the shift he dedcided to lock me in the bar and i couldnt get out for about 5 minutes he eventually let me out and i had a painc attack and was so scared to go into work or to be near him for weeks. He also threatened me by saying he was going to lock me in the safe and that if i didnt do what he said that he would give me the sack and he kept on saying about my height becuase im really short and he would make jokes about that. One saturday night i was ment to working but i just had to walk out becuase he really did scare me. I told some of the people that i work with and they said to talk with my boss about him, so i did saying that i have panic attacks and depression and what he done so he told paul about me having them. He came up to me and said that he had panic attacks but ive never believed him and he just apoligised about the things he done. I have night mares about being locked away and i think its linked to that. Me and him are quite close now but the damage is done. I know i shouldnt of said it but he was annoying me so i said to him f@ck off and he chucked me out for that i admit that he deserved to.

I worry to much. I think everything went alright with the mental health team, hey well at least they didnt lock me up. I cant really remember what happened i know i told her abit about me and my life and shes going to discuss it with my doctor and phone me next week to see my next step. They dont know everything yet. The thing is i dont know what to do with myself i feel like someones ripped out my heart and i cant feel a thing or even cry. Im going to try and let them come to my house as i would feel more comfortable with that. Thanks for everyones support.

So tomorrows the day that could change my life for the better i hope. Im absolutely petrified about going to see them, but then again i think that i worry about everything so its nothing unusual. Oh well ill see how i get on, it may go fine for all i know. Oh well at least ive got work tonight so i can keep my mind off it.

My counsellor says that she cant help me anymore, ive only being going to her for 3 sessions but she says that i need more help then she can give me. I think the truth is she doesnt want to help me and so shes saying that on friday the mental people that im going to see should help me. Ok so i told her that i cut myself i thought i was doing the right thing by telling her the truth obviously not.

My life is so boring all i do is work and do everyones shifts at work and sleep. I dont have a social life to be honest ive never gone out clubbing or done anything its not that i havent wanted to its because i dont have any friends apart from my workmates, theyve all got friends outside of work and so i dont get invited out anywhere. If i do get invited out i feel like i cant go anyway just incase i let them down by having a panic attack and so this would stop me from doing anything and so i would want to go home.

Ive just come back from my walk and i met up with this dog it came running towards me so i just ran away from it, the owner then called its name and so it went back to its owner. Meanwhile i was having a panic attack im alright now. I dont know why im scared of dogs maybe something happened when i was really young, but to me i can always remember being afraid of them. I cant do anything without having a panic attack.

Ive got an appointment on friday with the mental health people so hopefully they can help me as they are my last hope. I feel good in some ways that ive got an appointment but in other ways i feel so scared to find out how really sick i am. I havent been out of my house all day i dont know why seen as its a sunny day, ill try and go for a walk or something because this will make me feel even worse if i dont go out.

Theres something about me that thinks that by cutting myself its going to help i know its not. I feel so stupid and quilty now. I always seem to do it on mondays. Ive had a good couple of good days and then today comes around after work at 5 and i cut myself. I need help but the mental health professionals havent got in touch and so i will need to phone them tomorrow.

I guess ive always find life hard becuase i cant ever come to terms that im bisexual i think its wrong. I cant trust people now becuase when i told some firends a couple of years back they never treated me the same and never talked to me again so this is why i have trouble trusting anyone. If i make friends then i dont tell them this but then i think to myself that if they cant except the person that i am then they are not really my friends..

So one of them left work on friday night and for once i felt fine about her leaving. I know that i can always talk to her even though she is miles away. Ive had my best shift at work for months. I always thought that i was going to lose it when she left but it was fine. I just need to take one day at a time but i will get there.