my every day life

BEING BRITISH.

Being British is about driving in a German car to an Irish pub for a Belgian beer, then travelling home, grabbing an Indian curry or a Turkish kebab on the way, to sit on Swedish furniture and watch
American shows on a Japanese TV.

Heres a list of all my fears that i can think of but there maybe a couple more. Some of these are really weird.
Open spaces: Agrophobia
Heights: Acrophobia
Weakness: Asthenophobia
Thunder and Lightning: Astraphobia
Being a Failure: Cadophobia
Vomiting: Emetophobia
Flying: Areophobia
Stairs and steep slopes: Bathmophobia
Confined spaces: Claustrophobia
Dogs: Cynophobia
Crowds: Ehochlophobia
Dentists: Odontophobia
Going insane: Maniaphobia
Loneliness Eremophobia
Looking down, vertigo: Iiyngophobia
Changes: Metathesiophobia
Dying: Thanatophobia
Swallowing: Phagophobia
Being stared at: Opthalmphobia
Trains: Siderodromophobia
Taking tests: Testrophobia
Going to certain places: Topaphobia
Having a panic attack in public: Agoraphobia
Fear that people are talking about me until i enter the room: Antefamaphobia
Fear of work: Officinophobia
Fear of jealousy: Zelophobia:
Fear of meeting people or society: Anthropophobia
Fear of staying single: Anuptaphobia
Fear of imperfection: Atelophobia
Fear of mirrors: Eisoptrophobia
Fear of crossing bridges: Gephyrophobia
Fear of growing old: Gerascophobia
Fear of the mind: Psychophobia
I feel good now that ive worked out my phobias. I just need to take one step at a time and work through them.

Another person is leaving my work next week im just gutted about that im trying to get used to one person going and then another one goes its not fair. Ive tried saying to myself that they are only work mates but its hard when i dont feel like ive got anyone else. Everytime i open up to someone they leave, so in the end i start blaming myself i know its not my fault but it feels like it is. I either trust people to easily or not at all and by the time i do start to trust them its to late.
I had to walk out of work last night it just got to much for me to cope with luckily i managed to talk myself in going back to work. Its alot of effort for me to do anything at the moment i just want to curl up in bed and cry all day.
I cant stop washing my hands so they are going horrible but its saving me from not cutting myself.
I want to take all my anger out on someone by hitting them, i think one day i will probably hit someone as i wont be able to stop myself. It feels like im having a 24 hour panic attack i just cant seem to calm myself down.
Im so paranoid that if i see two people online at the same time or if i walk into a room and it goes quiet then i think they must be talking about me.
No one really understands me when i talk but then i think that i dont really understand myself what is going on.It people start talking to me i normally end up shutting off and stop listening to them i dont mean to.
Work is the only thing trying to keep me busy but i just cant be bothered.
I cant do anything on my own as thats when i have panic attacks, the other day was the first time in months that i managed to go to the doctors and back home again. I need someone there to reassure me that everything is going to be ok and stop me from talking myself out of it as im realy good at that.

The people that i feel close to i think that i rely on them to much maybe i should stop talking to them and keep it to myself becuase then nothing can go wrong.

Ive got depression and have panic attacks. I dont have many friends all ive got is the people that i work with but i annoy them. I annoy them because i talk to them to much but they dont understand what its like not having anyone else apart from them. If i do try and talk to them i mess it up by saying something stupid thats why i find it hard to talk.

I dont know if i want to get better, i mean that would be great as i wouldnt feel so sad all the time but on the other hand im scared that noone will like the real me.

Most nights i will be alone for hours with no contact with anyone so then i get really paranoid thinking why isnt anyone talking to me maybe im invisible. When it gets to bed time i have to cry myself to sleep. Ive recently started cutting myself i dont know why it maybe because someone close to me is leaving or it could be just to get attention.

Tomorrow i have to get assessed as the doctor has given up on me, as i dont want to take anti depressents as im scared that they will make my panic attacks worse, i become even more tired then i am already and i may get addicted to them. I told my mum and she thinks that its a bad idea taking them and most of the people at work seem to think that they are a good idea so im really confused about taking them.