I went in feeling quite good to my session with my therapist today but the first thing she said to me was that she was leaving, i just sat there in silence for the whole hour after that not knowing what to do or say. It would of been easier if she had written me a letter or phoned me or to tell me at the end of my session. I just feel really rejected as i always tell people stuff and then they go and its the same with her. I just dont know if i can go through with meeting a new one and then opening up to them like i had done with this one i mean im sure they would be nice and stuff but i would need to start all over again. She said that if i wanted to talk to her for one last time but i dont see that theres much point if shes going. If i dont see a new person then they will close my case and then i would need my doctor to refer me again which is weird as i need help but its just really hard. I know shes not going because of me but i still think she is. Im not sure what to do now.

Ive just read someones blog and their friend is dying of lung cancer and heres me wallowing in self pity getting nowhere. I should get over it and be positive as im pretty healthy unlike this poor persons friend.

Today i went to my therapist again as i havent being in nearly a month but i was desperate to talk to someone. In the last week ive cut myself twice, being suicidal and when i try and talk to anyone i say the wrong thing.

So anyway i went and i told her how i was feeling and she thinks that it maybe a good idea to have the crisis team look on me everyday at my house. So i may take her idea on seen as i feel really sh*t, mind due i think we all have days like what i have this week.

I just need to stay positive and i know people are out there giving me some kind of support but im the only one that can make things better.

ok i got up this morning and was feeling ok about things and then i went to the doctors, though on the way there it was pouring it down with rain so i had a painc attack thats the weirdest time to have a panic attack what am i scared of the rain? But anyway when i got to the doctors everything went fine. I then had to go and see the CHMT, before going i was feeling really happy and stuff and hadnt self harmed in 2 weeks and then she says this to me. i should talk to a clinical psyhcotrist seen as theres a self harming group coming up and to talk about getting involved with it. But the thing is that if i cant share to one person then how can i possibly talk to a group of people. Im also going to see a doctor that specialises in psychiatric medicines to try and persaude me to take anti depressents and to tell them all my fears about taking them.

This saturday someone i havent seen in 4 years has invited me to go to their 21st i dont remember someone asked me to go somewhere with them, i would love to go but i feel like i cant, i asked someone quite close to me to keep me company they said that they could come but know they cant so i feel like i cant go on my own. I hate meeting new people, being in a crowd and not knowing where the exits are in this club they are going to. I wish i had more confidence to go and have some fun but i don't so i will sit at home watching saturday night tv. This sounds really stupid doesnt it.

I know that i need help and that im doing the right thing by going its just really annoying when i dont know what to do when i feel so low and that im at home, i mean theyve given me all these numbers to contact when i feel really low but the point is that i find it impossible to pick the phone up and talk to someone. Even if i did talk to samaritians or saneline all they could do is listen to me and not give me any advice on what to do. Ive got my counsellors out of hours number but i think that i would be wasting her time or that shes right and i need to take anti depressents. I should be able to work out what is wrong with me on my own without asking for help.

well i made it through my session today it went ok really no problems, I just wish i could open up a bit more easier to her as i think that if i say something to her she may judge me. I think she finds it hard to know what to talk to me about as i dont give much out which must be hard. One day i would like to share that ive got problems with accepting myself as im bi but ill come to that subject when i feel the right time is to tell her. Whenever i go in there i feel like falling asleep. The downside to today was that i couldnt stop crying maybe its because ive shared whats going on but it was hard to keep the tears away. Ive got another appointment booked for next friday so i shall see what will happen.

Ive got an appointment today with the specialists im going to see them as they dont have time this week to come out to my home and visit me, but after that i hope they will be able to come to my house as i feel more comfortable at home although that could be a challenge for me to keep on going to see them. In some ways i dont really see the point of going to see them as i feel great and i think that im wasting there time, but on the other hand i dont want to return to my old self when i was really depressed and couldnt be bothered so in the end i will go, im still not to sure how they are going to support me but i will find this out when i go. They said that they wil support me for at least 3 months and then review my progress then after that i will see.

I dont know if i can handle work. Everything i do goes wrong or if i open my mouth then i get into arguments with them. I may get my doctor to do a note to say that i cant work anymore just for a little while. As i doubt they will let me have any time off becuase i am their main person for doing all the overtime. I cant be bothered with life anymore.

I had a bad shift tonight, i want to talk but the words never come out of my mouth. So i had to suffer in silence. Sometimes i feel the pressure rising up in me so i go in the stock room for a minute or two to calm down but paul thinks that im skiving. So everytime he walk around the bar he would shout out where was i but the thing is that i never him say that about everyone else if they go missing, Everyone has a break aswell but i dont its not that he wont let me i guess he would but i find it easier if i just carry on without a break, So i told him that i thought that he only wondered where i go, rather then bothering about everyone and so in the end we had an argument i had to cool off by going into the outside. So i heard in the background him having ago at the others about that i think that they have to long outside the bar without working and that him not having ago at them. What did that achieve is he trying to make me look bad or something. It took me about 10 minutes to cool off then i just carried on with my work pretending that we didnt just have an argument. After the shift had finished he just said to me that he was sorry if it felt like he was picking on me and that he wasnt but he understood the way that what he said looked like he was. Hopefully if i have to work with him tomorrow things will be back to normal.